FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN 8 MONTHS, I HAVE FELT GLIMPSE OF HOPE! My first non-emo post is god knows how long! This calls for celebrations! (Shit, I sound like Mr Fong)
Yes, I'm still suicidal but I can feel hope for the first time since July last year. For some strange reason, reality shows are what put your life back on track. Okay, I have been watching 'The biggest loser" for about 2 weeks now (no I do not want to lose weight. Or be fat.) and I realise how motivational that show is. The theme song is 'Proud' by Heather Small, but there is nothing small about that song (haha joke...). But seriously, I have influenced by it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ytvoRQk4Wg
Tell me if you are influenced by it. Or not.
So now I have one motto about hope amist all the suicidal mottos.
And after very shitty four days, the past two days weren't so bad. Yes, there were downs (like when someone called me an animal (cruelity against ANIMALS) so that sucked. But I didn't think about it much after that. But I'm going to fail 2.4km again so let's hope the hope stays even after I fail. XD
Newsflash: I have decided against having 'Kevin' in my name. I realised that they are all the same I don't want to be associated with them. No, there are no evil intentions but I feel that I don't want to become them. Besides, there can only be one confi name. EVERYONE, I AM SEAN NATHANIEL LEE.
Oh and I have planned the perfect suicide. With the help of Moses, HK and Lum. Check it out!
1) Go for a plastic surgery
2) Shoplift extremely gorgeous clothes (formal wear?? maybe...)
3) Hang myself and get a friend to put me in the hall during National Day.
Ok byeez,.
(Ask yourself: What have you done today to make you feel proud?)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Growing up young
Now, you know your life sucks if you have a bad things for 4 consecutive days. You also know your life sucks when you start thinking about your childhood (or the lack of it)
Friday
I'M NOT IN FRICKING LLTC!!!! AN ASSHEAD TOOK MY PLACE IN IT!!! HOW ANGRY AM I, FUCKING ANGRY. Toby and Qing Ke tried to cheer me up but I still felt really angry. To whom I shall not name, I WANT TO CUT YOUR HEAD, PLACE IN CONCENTRATED NITRIC ACID, DROP POTASSIUM INTO THE ACID WITH A LIGHTED BURSUN BURNER NEARBY. POP GOES THE REMAINS OF YOUR HEAD!!!
Saturday
I woke up really early for HSK. LIKE 7am early. Worse, I think I'm going to fail HSK and I felt like crap when everyone said 'It was damn easy!" etc. I went to Far East with (Lum, Moses, Nevin, ZY, Hongkiat and a two other people who I forgot). We talked about the possibilities of me making more friends if I were less weird. I left and went to church. Played 'Don't forget the verse', (you know, Don't forget the lyrics Catholic edition) I had to complete the song, As the Deer, and I GOT IT RIGHT!!! Left early to go to school for GOH for the founder's dinner. GUESS WHAT! When I was selling bears, THE ADULTS JUST 'CASUALLY IGNORED ME'!! Worse, at the dinner, the band and dancers were performing BUT ALL THE ADULTS WERE TOO BUSY TALKING TO EACH OTHER! WHERE IS YOUR RESPECT???? For some reason, I will never (neither will Nevin nor Lum) see myself growing up to be like them.
Sunday
I went to town and got a haircut. My sis and I left early and my parents CONSTANTLY CALLED US ASKING WHERE WE WERE AND WHY WE HAD LEFT. The stupid argument lasted through dinner and I was very upset. So was my sis. My parent's inflexibility to adapt to a situation and lack of logic and passing messages skills prove to be a boiling point for me.
Monday
LLTC crap again... La da ha... Pipeng was scolding me through Chemistry so I got kinda pissed at him and so we ended up daoing each other for a while. The Merimum webster quiz fails and so me, sherman, Pipeng, Shannon, Le yong and Andrew cheated the way through. HEHE. Before my guitar class, the bakerzin service FAILS!! The chicken didn't come on time. I had to ask for my soup for a few times etc. VERY annoyed. OH and he who shall not be named is congratulated: again. Yay him... FUCK OFF
Yeah so I was thinking about why I didn't have a real childhood, at least for me. I'm raised in a family of 3 sisters, my dad is rarely around, I have a skin disease that will break out in rashes when I sweat like a dog and overheat. I have never played with a ball until I was in Primary 2, in school. I only owned a soccer ball when I was 12 and it is now deflated. My constant negative outlook on life was due to this horrible childhood (or at least what minute portion available to call childhood) now leaves me the way I am. I don't enjoy being called weird but I'm not acting just to get attention. I change myself because I simply don't know how or where to start. I'm trapped at home with overprotective parents. I don't see the world the way most do and I'm just torn apart. Waiting to pick up the pieces...
Just to be torn apart again
Friday
I'M NOT IN FRICKING LLTC!!!! AN ASSHEAD TOOK MY PLACE IN IT!!! HOW ANGRY AM I, FUCKING ANGRY. Toby and Qing Ke tried to cheer me up but I still felt really angry. To whom I shall not name, I WANT TO CUT YOUR HEAD, PLACE IN CONCENTRATED NITRIC ACID, DROP POTASSIUM INTO THE ACID WITH A LIGHTED BURSUN BURNER NEARBY. POP GOES THE REMAINS OF YOUR HEAD!!!
Saturday
I woke up really early for HSK. LIKE 7am early. Worse, I think I'm going to fail HSK and I felt like crap when everyone said 'It was damn easy!" etc. I went to Far East with (Lum, Moses, Nevin, ZY, Hongkiat and a two other people who I forgot). We talked about the possibilities of me making more friends if I were less weird. I left and went to church. Played 'Don't forget the verse', (you know, Don't forget the lyrics Catholic edition) I had to complete the song, As the Deer, and I GOT IT RIGHT!!! Left early to go to school for GOH for the founder's dinner. GUESS WHAT! When I was selling bears, THE ADULTS JUST 'CASUALLY IGNORED ME'!! Worse, at the dinner, the band and dancers were performing BUT ALL THE ADULTS WERE TOO BUSY TALKING TO EACH OTHER! WHERE IS YOUR RESPECT???? For some reason, I will never (neither will Nevin nor Lum) see myself growing up to be like them.
Sunday
I went to town and got a haircut. My sis and I left early and my parents CONSTANTLY CALLED US ASKING WHERE WE WERE AND WHY WE HAD LEFT. The stupid argument lasted through dinner and I was very upset. So was my sis. My parent's inflexibility to adapt to a situation and lack of logic and passing messages skills prove to be a boiling point for me.
Monday
LLTC crap again... La da ha... Pipeng was scolding me through Chemistry so I got kinda pissed at him and so we ended up daoing each other for a while. The Merimum webster quiz fails and so me, sherman, Pipeng, Shannon, Le yong and Andrew cheated the way through. HEHE. Before my guitar class, the bakerzin service FAILS!! The chicken didn't come on time. I had to ask for my soup for a few times etc. VERY annoyed. OH and he who shall not be named is congratulated: again. Yay him... FUCK OFF
Yeah so I was thinking about why I didn't have a real childhood, at least for me. I'm raised in a family of 3 sisters, my dad is rarely around, I have a skin disease that will break out in rashes when I sweat like a dog and overheat. I have never played with a ball until I was in Primary 2, in school. I only owned a soccer ball when I was 12 and it is now deflated. My constant negative outlook on life was due to this horrible childhood (or at least what minute portion available to call childhood) now leaves me the way I am. I don't enjoy being called weird but I'm not acting just to get attention. I change myself because I simply don't know how or where to start. I'm trapped at home with overprotective parents. I don't see the world the way most do and I'm just torn apart. Waiting to pick up the pieces...
Just to be torn apart again
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Normal Post
I was reading my early blog entries and I'm still trying to figure out how I went from censoring my vulgarities to being very open about them. What happened after 2 years???? But well, I'm trying to regain some sanity. I even have a playlist called 'Regain sanity' in my ipod. So yeah, I'm like in rehab.
Yeah, I realised exploding all my emotions on a blog entry was not the smartest thing I did and yeah I to a large extend regretted that. When you actually have some sanity back in your life, you end up regretting a lot of things. So to those who read it and are hurt, or have going suicidal (though I bet none has), this is my apology. But yeah, those who have read it here's something to learn: When you suppress a lot of emotions over time, you will become a time-bomb.
Oh and my tagboard has never been this flooded. So this is kinda funny cause no one really read this and suddenly my tagboard is full in like 3 days! Oh and someone said that using a lot of profanities doesn't make me look cool but nowhere in this blog have I ever said that I wanted to be cool. And I don't think that using a lot of profanities is cool, I think it's just the result of anger and angst.
I am now reading Wuthering Heights and not stressed about exams as my mom wants me to be. I'm also leaving the awesomeness of the aircon classroom and going back to the new classroom, or should I say sauna. But really I think that the airconditioned classroom really makes you bond with the class cause I have never stayed in a class til 2.50 just playing the guitar. There are so many things that I have not done in the normal classroom so to those who are going to the aircon classrooms soon, treasure it.
Monday's going to be great. I have a presentation and I'm posing as a furrier. I'm also borrowing my sis' fur boots to role play! Now I need to her say yes...
Oh and finally. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEENAN!! Have fun with your new guitar!
Yeah, I realised exploding all my emotions on a blog entry was not the smartest thing I did and yeah I to a large extend regretted that. When you actually have some sanity back in your life, you end up regretting a lot of things. So to those who read it and are hurt, or have going suicidal (though I bet none has), this is my apology. But yeah, those who have read it here's something to learn: When you suppress a lot of emotions over time, you will become a time-bomb.
Oh and my tagboard has never been this flooded. So this is kinda funny cause no one really read this and suddenly my tagboard is full in like 3 days! Oh and someone said that using a lot of profanities doesn't make me look cool but nowhere in this blog have I ever said that I wanted to be cool. And I don't think that using a lot of profanities is cool, I think it's just the result of anger and angst.
I am now reading Wuthering Heights and not stressed about exams as my mom wants me to be. I'm also leaving the awesomeness of the aircon classroom and going back to the new classroom, or should I say sauna. But really I think that the airconditioned classroom really makes you bond with the class cause I have never stayed in a class til 2.50 just playing the guitar. There are so many things that I have not done in the normal classroom so to those who are going to the aircon classrooms soon, treasure it.
Monday's going to be great. I have a presentation and I'm posing as a furrier. I'm also borrowing my sis' fur boots to role play! Now I need to her say yes...
Oh and finally. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEENAN!! Have fun with your new guitar!
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